Coming out still a struggle for LGBTQ youth

Monday marked the 33rd National Coming Out Day for the LGBTQ community in the United States. The day honored LGBTQ people and communities and the struggles they face fighting for acceptance and equal rights. Although progress has been made, there are many, especially some youth, who still struggle to announce their true identities. 

Progress has been made toward LGBTQ rights in the U.S. since the first National Coming Out Day in 1988, though not without significant challenges, even now. The U.S. didn’t pass full marriage equality protections for LGBTQ people until 2015, after a series of Supreme Court cases — United States v. Windsor (2013), Hollingsworth v. Perry (2009) and Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) — declared discrimination against same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. 

While President Biden’s administration has taken steps to protect and honor LGBTQ people at the federal level — from officially declaring June as LGBTQ Pride Month in the U.S. and enforcing anti-discrimination laws for federal jobs to increasing medical access and identify affirmation for transgender people — many states have fielded anti-LGBTQ laws.

In April, the Human Rights Campaign declared 2021 “the worst year for LGBTQ state legislative attacks,” with more than 250 bills prohibiting trans athletes from playing sports, religious exemptions for healthcare providers and other discriminatory legislation. According to the American Civil Liberties Union’s running list of legislation for 2021, more than a dozen of these laws have been signed in states like Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi and Texas.

For LGBTQ people of any age, being open about gender and sexual identity can be a difficult and traumatic experience. Fears and anxiety about acceptance from family, friends and the greater community make being open about personal identity, particularly for those with religious backgrounds.

Ann Noonan is a behavioral health consultant, community activist and regular volunteer for Out Boulder County and United Church of Christ Longmont. A few years ago, Noonan shared her experiences as an LGBTQ person to a group of students and was asked what the gay-straight alliance was like when she was in high school. Noonan remembered standing in the school library in 1974, looking at the huge dictionary on a podium. Noonan had been looking up the word homosexual, with one hand holding another page so she could quickly hide what she was looking at should someone look over her shoulder..

“That's what the gay/straight alliance was in my high school: the word homosexual was in the dictionary,” Noonan said.

Noonan, 63, said she didn’t come out as a lesbian until the early 80s. Before that, Noonan said, being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender just wasn’t discussed. 

“Silence sent a powerful message of shame and judgment,” Noonan said.

Noonan wasn’t politically active when she came out. At the time she was more focused on making a life for herself, building her career in behavioral services and finding her own identity. Even in her career, Noonan knew to avoid working with youth due to the stigma that came with being LGBTQ.

It wasn’t until Colorado’s Amendment 2 was passed in 1992 that Noonan started to get active in politics. The passing of Amendment 2 was a shock to the system, Noonan said. 

“I, myself, was quite complacent and thought that the initiative had no chance of passing,” Noonan said. “Having an amendment to the state constitution succeed that specifically targeted LGBTQ persons was a real wakeup call and a lesson that finding my own way in the world as a lesbian was not sufficient.”

In 1992, voters approved a ballot initiative for Amendment 2 — which would prohibit the state from enacting antidiscrimination protections for LGBTQ people — only to be declared unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court in Romer v. Evans (1996) and in violation of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Since then, Noonan has devoted herself to working with her community, first in Boulder and now in Longmont, to advocate for LGBTQ and other marginalized communities. Noonan volunteers with Out Boulder County and her church community to promote acceptance and celebrate those communities.

Even now, coming out as LGBTQ can be a difficult experience for youth. Feeling affirmed in their identity and accepted by their peers and family is challenging, particularly if they have to explain their feelings or experiences and justify them when they come out. 

A handful of teens in Out Boulder County’s youth program spoke on their experiences and the difficulties of coming out to their families and friends. Most of the teens were only out to a select group of family and friends, but consented to be interviewed. In order to protect the privacy of some of these individuals, only the first names of some are used in the article. 

The five students generally agreed that it felt safer coming out to their friends and peers than it was with family, particularly those from strong religious upbringings. Several students were brought up in religious families who consider LGBTQ identities as sins, making the students less comfortable bringing up their own identities to their families.

The teens, hailing from Boulder, Erie, Longmont and Lyons, said Boulder County felt safer than other areas but coming out had its own set of challenges. Nex, 13, identifies as genderfluid — someone outside the gender binary — and was scared to come out because of homophobic comments made by immediate family. Even after Nex — who uses the pronouns they/them —  came out to some friends and peers, though Nex felt the acceptance wasn’t really there, even if the words were spoken.

“I’m using any pronouns except my birth ones, yet (my peers) deadname and misgender me constantly without making any effort,” Nex said.

When a trans or nonbinary person choses a new name to affirm their identity, calling them by their previous name is known as deadnaming. Nex felt that without identity affirmation, the acceptance and support weren’t real. According to a 2021 report from the nonpartisan Center for American Progress, rejection from families is a contributing factor in long term health issues.

Orion Smith, 17, said it took some time for his family to accept him as a transgender man. Smith started questioning his gender around the age of 13, he said, and started to be more sure by 14.

“I was very nervous and uncomfortable at first, not so much around friends but around my family. My family didn’t accept who I was. (It was)  about two years before they finally started coming around,” Smith said.

Smith was out in high school, but not all of the teens felt as embraced by their families or peers. Andrew, 14, came out to his family and found them to be “stubborn and difficult,” he said. Andrew’s parents have asked him to hide being transgender at school and family gatherings for fear that Andrew’s grandparents will find out.

“I’ve become a burden to the people I care about because being trans is not a choice,” Andrew said. “Whatever way you look at it, it’s dangerous to both show who you are and to hide it.”

Allison, 15, came out to her mother and a few close friends, but not to the wider community. Allison feels the lack of general understanding of LGBTQ issues has an impact on acceptance, even internally with preconceived notions against queer identities. Even her friends struggle with using her chosen name, which Allison attributed to not outwardly presenting as female yet.

“I haven't gained enough confidence in who I am to show a shred of femininity to the people I am out to, let alone telling the world,” Allison said. “I am sure it will happen eventually, it's just a matter of internally getting there.”

Temmie, 14, attended Catholic school and said she was afraid to come out as a transgender woman due to anti-LGBTQ commentary. Now in public high school, Temmie said she wants to be more open about her identity as transgender. Having a community that accepts her and embraces her identity has inspired confidence and connection, she said.

“After coming out, I feel as if I'm finally living a life,” Temmie said. “For years I felt as if I simply was just waiting for something to happen before I could actually start living, but I finally realized that the thing I was waiting for was becoming a woman.”

Numerous studies, like the one from the Center for American Progress or those cited on the CDC’s LGBT Youth Health page, suggest that a positive and safe environment are important for physical and mental health, regardless of age. Schools, families and religious organizations that are affirming and embracing of gender and sexual identities can lessen anxiety and health risks during times of transition and uncertainty. Organizations like Out Boulder County, PFLAG and other resources in Boulder County can help guide youth, adults and families toward support and answering questions.

Noonan called her life rich and full, being out and working for social justice to improve the lives of LGBTQ and marginalized communities. She was thrilled to see the progress made toward equity and equality in the past two decades, but that she wasn’t naive about the state of the world.

“I know that we’re a long way from full quality and equity for all our communities,” Noonan said. “But when I see the vast changes that have occurred in the almost 50 years since I huddled over that dictionary, I feel great optimism in the potential for change in years to come.”