“Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all,” is a line from the famous British science fiction television show, Dr. Who. Death is a difficult topic to talk about, according to Kelly Cowling, executive director of Grey Havens Philosophy Group. For her, it is a conversation of comfort.
Each year around Dios de los muertos — the Day of the Dead — Grey Havens Philosophy Group hosts community conversations about dying. The Death and Dying discussion series allow individuals to explore the topic of death within the group. According to Cowling, the discussions are always memorable, meaningful and unique.
This year’s event will be held in person on Oct. 28 at 6:30 p.m. at Outworld Brewing and virtually on Nov. 12 at 6 p.m.
Although Cowling participates and facilitates many discussions through Grey Havens, this year’s Death and Dying discussion hit a bit close to home, but she is excited to be present for the conversation, she said. On Christmas Eve of 2020, Cowling was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer — a terminal diagnosis.
As a child, Cowling said she was not a good student after experiencing conflict with a teacher in second grade. School never became easier for Cowling, although she was an avid learner.
“I loved the idea of getting an education but I hated the idea of school,” Cowling said.
Fast forward to high school, Cowling said, no one had asked her what she wanted to do for a career and as a result, she hadn’t given college much thought. However, her sister had had those thoughts for her. Cowling’s sister drug her to her own college in Texas and forced her to enroll. Cowling didn’t really have a direction so she drifted along until she found a Philosophy for Children, or PfC, class. It was a class she loved but didn’t think she would do anything with.
She later went on to graduate school at Naropa University where she earned a master’s degree in religious studies. While on a retreat mandated by her field of study, she read the book The Heart of Philosophy by Jacob Needleman. This book inspired a “Mary Tyler Moore moment” for Cowling in which she realized that she wanted to do philosophy with kids.
Using everything she learned in PfC and working alongside Robyn Bosica, the duo began Grey Havens Philosophy Group.
Thinking back to a time when she believes she began thinking philosophically, Cowling remembered watching Dr. Who, Star Wars and Star Trek.
“There is an episode ‘Is There in Truth No Beauty?’ and I would think about Dr. Who and the Tardis is bigger on the inside than the outside … I would think about the ideas transcending,” she said.
Inspired by what she self-identifies as “nerdy ways” Cowling used her interests to draw people together to have meaningful and thoughtful conversations while also facilitating discussions that respect everyone in the group using what she calls the four Cs of thinking: collaborative, creative, critically and caring.
“All I really wanted was a book group. I was bored. My soul was shrinking. I just wanted people I could have good conversations with,” Cowling said.
Currently, Grey Havens reaches people as far away as Brooklyn, New York, Great Britian and even Singapore.
Training facilitators to carry on the conversations in the PfC style has always been important to Cowling.
“I’m very confident in our training program. But what I am not confident in is having enough time left in my life to teach everybody, everything I want them to know,” she said.
In 2013, Cowling was feeling good and enjoying her life. She felt she had lots of energy and had even lost some weight. The weight loss uncovered a lump in her breast that she tried to ignore but was later diagnosed with aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer.
After several surgeries and treatments, Cowling was in remission. This lasted almost seven years before she began feeling out of breath after the most simple of tasks. She once again returned to the doctor in mid 2020. It took until Christmas Eve before she received her current diagnosis.
Cowling said it was difficult telling her friends, family and those she works with in her discussion groups. But this year’s Death and Dying discussions have made that a bit easier.
“I feel like it is my chance to say that I am person with a terminal illness … People usually take it really well. Sometimes people tell me ‘it was like being hit in the stomach with a sack of bricks” and they need to talk to me about it. It’s a chance to put my money where my mouth is with philosophy. If I can’t be philosophical about my death and the experience of dying then what has all this been for? And why have I ever believed myself to be a philospher,” Cowling said.
Not only is Cowling able to talk openly about it but she has found comfort in learning the thoughts others have about death.
“It’s a tremendous comfort. The things people say are so meaningful to me,” Cowling said adding that she has discovered several new thoughts on the topic including one member stating they want to be surprised by death. “That idea was so beautiful.”
Although Cowling is walking this journey, she does not claim to be any wiser on the topic than she was prior to learning about her diagnosis. “Philosophy literally means the love of wisdom but it also means you say what you don’t know and that is they key to Death and Dying discussions,” she said.
“It’s good to talk about death and dying. It’s part of life; it’s the end of life … it is something we all experience and encounter in lots of different ways. I want people to know it is ok to talk about it. I want people to know it is ok to not know. I want people to know it is ok to think outloud about difficult topics even if you are just by yourself,” Cowling said.
