Roughly 40% of reported domestic violence incidents in Boulder County occur in Longmont, despite only representing about a third of the population.
But to Jackie List, executive director at the Safe Shelter of St. Vrain Valley, the key word here is reported. Only about half of domestic violence incidents are ever reported to police, so it could be that Longmont is more likely to report these types of incidents.
“I have always thought that one of the reasons that our numbers are as high as they are is that this is still a community that cares about its neighbors and when people hear distressing things, they make a call,” she said. “They don’t let it go.”
List shared some advice for Domestic Violence Awareness Month on how to notice the signs of an abusive relationship. She explained that an abusive relationship is a difficult dynamic to see coming, especially as some of the signs of domestic violence can be normal in new relationships.
For example, new couples often want to spend all their time together, but this can be a sign of domestic violence if one of the partners begins to be isolated. In that case, the offender wants an exclusive connection and ends up pulling the victim away from their friends and family.
An abusive relationship can take something normal and turn it into something harmful, which can be seen in other dynamics as well, like jealousy.
“I think still today people are flattered in the beginning of a relationship when their partner exhibits a little bit of jealousy,” List said. “But with (abusive) relationships, that jealousy starts pretty quickly to become possessiveness.”
When a partner expresses jealousy over the victim’s normal conversations or wanting to spend time with family members, it lends itself to that isolation common in domestic violence situations.
“Those are controlling behaviors that I think initially feel like not such a big deal,” she said. “So he doesn’t like this dress, I won’t wear this dress, who cares? But after a while you’re whittled down to a pretty small wardrobe of things that are being approved of.”
List has noticed that in most situations, the offender tends to never take responsibility for things and blame others for their actions and problems. Oftentimes, this becomes a denial of abusive behaviors, even saying that they didn’t hurt their partner when they have.
A quickly escalating relationship can be another red flag. For example, an offender might be quick to express love early in the relationship, talking about marriage after just a few weeks or months of knowing each other and maybe even proposing.
Again, these behaviors can initially seem like a regular part of a relationship, but List encourages people to listen to their gut and respond to it if something doesn’t feel right.
“Something people can think about is whose life is expanding and whose life is shrinking,” she said. “Who has all the rights and is the other person losing them a little at a time.”
She encourages people, even if they’re not sure if they’re in an abusive situation, to give the Safe Shelter of St. Vrain hotline a call. The free, confidential crisis line can help clarify the situation and provide resources if needed.
“We’re not here to break people up or to bad mouth people,” List said. We’re just here to ask what's happening with you and then let people hear themselves talk about what’s happening, and ask a few key questions.”
The hotline can be reached at 303-772-4422 with services in English and Spanish, and callers do not need to disclose their names. The organization provides both a shelter in a confidential location and a public office where people can come and get services.
Longmont saw a 8.1% increase in domestic abuse reports in 2021 compared to 2020 with more than 1,000 total reports, according to Longmont Public Safety. The victim of the violence was the reporting party in 53.3% of cases.
List spoke highly of the Longmont police force in responding to domestic violence and their strong relationship with victim advocates. List explained that while the systems have improved over the years with responding to domestic violence, the issue of interpersonal abuse remains consistent.
“Well, I’ve been doing this for 35 years,” she said. “It’s been pretty constant, and way before my doing it, it was pretty constant.”
She added that during the early days of COVID, the hotline was distressingly quiet because victims couldn’t make calls with the offender in the house all the time. She added that police incidents over the past few years are higher than ever before and that lethality is much worse, with strangulation far more common than it used to be, especially in young adult and teen relationships.
As for what could mean the stop to domestic violence, List believes it will take individual decisions to not be abusive and to hold others accountable.
“You start with yourself. That’s how we stop this,” she said. “People individually say, I will not be abusive. I will not harm others. I will not turn a blind eye if I see somebody being harmed.”
